constellation:

sometimes, i wonder where my classmates will go after high school. I catch myself wondering about their futures, who they’ll marry, what they’ll do, where they’ll be and then i contrast it against my own hopes and aspirations of the future. Will he be a plumber? An electrician? A world-renowned scientist known for curing cancer? Will he be a victim of drugs? Will he be that one neighbor who offers jello to every new neighbor? Will he be that senile man who claims to hate children but doesn’t really? Sometimes, I get caught up in my idealistic expectations of others and of reality in general that I find myself disappointed often when reality is not quite up to par with my high expectations and ideals. And I think this is what causes unhappiness and overall disappointment over the quality of life. Some division problem of happiness. I read somewhere that the Danish are the happiest in the world only due to the fact that they have low expectations of life and nearly everything exceeds their expectations, thus affirming happiness. Is the key to happiness low expectations? most people choose to up the dosage of reality, which is quite practical and what I would have done as well, but obviously not the easier route. i was born into a culture that prizes material possessions and it deeply disappointments me that people are aching and yearning for material objects when they should be wanting to better their relationships with others and rebuff their moral fiber. I don’t care if you have the latest version of the iphone or if you have unlimited texting and internet AND PLETHORA OF APPLICATIONS YOU DON’T EVEN USE. i don’t care if you have a spiffy new television to waste countless hours of your life. I DO NOT CARE ABOUT WHAT TYPE OF CAR YOU HAVE. I care about you. The person. The human being. Do they not understand? But I suppose that’s an expectation I have of other people and if they don’t uphold it, I let out a sigh and go about my day. A lot of things disappoint me as a human being but I wouldn’t consider myself a cynical teenager. Sometimes, I think it would be absolutely wonderful if ideas were transcended telepathically to another person without verbal expression. Sort of like a dream catcher/brooch hanging around people’s necks that catch another person’s ideas. And after going through a day, they can look back at the ideas of people they happen to pass by without officially greeting, like the stranger at the subway, the cashier at the bakery you hardly converse with, the beggar on the street that you’d never converse with. So a person’s idea of love can be infectious and dissipate throughout the world with ease. What if the world was like that? WHAT IF LOVE SUBSTITUTED HIV/AIDS AND SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE? The world would be lit up in warmth, an illuminating rotating rock in this infinite and ever expanding universe. How pleasant would that be. I suppose we get caught up in our daily tasks and habits that we forget the things that breed human connection and love. Worry, disappiontment, mortgage payments, forgetting to differentiate between washed and dirty clothes, whether or not they’ve gotten exercise for the day, guilt, forgetfulness, social inadequacy, stupid people, so sick of it all. I’d like to meet someone pure, someone who lives out their inhibitions rather than keeping it to themselves. Someone who won’t sugar coat anything, who’s mind isn’t muddled by media messages, external forces, blah blah blah. Someone of pure and raw character. I wonder if such a being exists, you know? Mother nature is plentiful in raw character and purity, but can such be found in a human soul? A baby, maybe. I’d befriend a baby, for sure. I become sickened by irksome obligations that we have to follow, but I suppose by following these tiresome needs, it gives way to a sense of freedom. But what is freedom anyway? Really? Such an intangible idea. Words are tangible. Meaning is intangible. What we understand and what we communicate with each other is the divide. So what you’re reading is the gray area. But isn’t everything gray anyway?